Industry Announcements: Proximus Bertschulder Ltd.

Address inquiries to Proximus Bertschulder

Proximus Bertschulder Ltd.

15 October 1998

We at Proximus Bertschulder Ltd. are happy and proud to announce our entry into the pharmaceuticals market. We are offering a complete new line of original drugs and medications to alleviate and even cure many of your most persistent and debilitating ailments. Absolutely none of our medications have FDA approval, nor do they need such! This is because we base all of these products on new, innovative use of non-fulminating organic ingredients such as:

Panderberry, Elixir of Mordecai, Westphalian Slug Roe, and various time-tested sub-dermal effluvia. Of course, the detailed composition of all of our medications is highly secret and not subject to the US Culpable Substance Ordinance (1963), sections I, IV, and XIV through LI. Here is a listing of just of few of our new remedies:

Pinkman's Ecstasy Tonic: Absolute cure for Secular Dendritis! Also alleviates carpal indigence due to advanced chronic Febby's Syndrome. (This disease is most common in the American Southwest and is caused by the bite of the Arizonian Pique Fly).
Minced Ructus: The first and only known treatment for Tetrohyperdenigrovitualism (commonly known as Redsox Decay). Taken intravenously and biannually, this totally eliminates the swollen ankles and spasmodic leakage of the vitreous humour associated with this incurable malady.
Ultz: The best pain killer ever! Available as either painless eyewash or in long, tasty, edible stringlike format. We hope the price of Ultz will soon decrease, but, as yet, the key ingredient (natural swine fluid) is very expensive and difficult to extract (forceps are the preferred method) and we hope to eventually synthesize this.
Harry Galahad's Growth Serum: Adds inches to your height within hours! WARNING: May cause distension of the abdominal walls in those of Celtic origin! Otherwise, a sure cure for congenital shrimpage.

Our complete catalogue will soon be available (within a year or two). Remember, it's good to keep Proximus Bertschulder Ltd. Products on the shelf!

Proximus Bertschulder Ltd.

24 March 1998

We at Proximus Bertschulder Ltd. regret that we can no longer fill any orders for any of the following products. The total supply of these items has been exhausted, and, because of each product's unique and unusual nature, no more of them can be made, or, indeed, even substituted for with reasonable alternatives. Please do not contact us on this matter. There is nothing more we can do. The withdrawn products are:

Continental Divide Slip Covers (both linen and marsite)
Hyper-bionic Flux regulators
Cunningly Cute mother-of-pearl lynch pins
Full size, methane powered agricultural biplane, with retractable anemometer
Illustrated history of Patagonian hosiery, by Manuel de Los Vampados Delictacaro
Mrs. Awl's canned lentil soup (with chicle)
Three dimensional scale model of downtown Congers, NY
Professionally honed splicing inserts, 2 x 4.4 and 2.4 x 7.1

We will, of course, inform you promptly of any subsequent product withdrawals, and will also continue to strive to market a continuing supply of new, needed, and innovative products.

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