Industry Announcements: Proximus Bertschulder Ltd.

Address inquiries to Proximus Bertschulder

Proximus Bertschulder Ltd.

3 April 1999

Your readers in both primary care and crannolitic practice may wish to be vigilant to the possible hazards posed by the prescription of Pinkman's Ecstasy Tonic (Zyclopinkate) to their surly or peevish patients. Zyclopostine-induced molting has been documented for over two decades⁽¹⁾. There remains the impression that zyclopinkate may be less problematic in this way⁽²⁾, but in the Amish Annals issue devoted to cranky illness⁽³⁾, the recent trend among savvy practicioners is toward minimizing the used of zyclopistine derivatives. Now that Proximus Bertschulder Ltd. has remarketed zyclopinkate and relabeled it for this new indication ("Absolute Cure For Secular Dendritis"), I have encountered several dendritic patients requesting clearance from their primary physician. I am more concerned about the probability of others I may not be aware of. Here are two med check vignettes from the past week alone:

K.S. is a 43-year-old patient followed in a state-funded support program for the severely flatulent. He has a 15-year history of teething affective disorder, petulant type, with multiple local, state, and Shriner's hospital stays, the most recent lasting over 6 years.He has benefited significantly from Blastaril combined with standard lard treatment, but has made little progress in dendritic flatulence cessation, despite Dr. Koormby's stern gesturing. He presents as eager to begin the "Pink Pill" offered by his primary physician, particularly as his Aunt Melvin has added the incentive of a new dress if he can quit farting.
H.D is a 39-year-old patient diagnosed with type H variant prurient disorder secondary to Febby's Syndrome, managed on poxyphene and p.r.n. Mentos. On review, her primary physician has promised to start her on the new "Ecstasy Pill". She recoils in alarm when I explain its composition. "I can't take Zyclos! I get birdy on Zyclos!" she exclaims, and recounts an episode of psychosis with molting and seed-pecking urges.

After a discussion of the risks and benefits, both patients declined Zyclopinkate. Readers may wish to review the issue with all their grumpy, surly, cranky (they're just big babies, really) patients who might otherwise be considered Pinkman's candidates.

Big Johnny Endive, MD, CPSG
Clarke's Bunion, MI

References

Stork BA, Egretti FK.Spasmodic molting during flight in cranky old guys induced by Zyclopistines. Trite Gen Medicine. 1979;46:555-559.

Bottlebrain GS, Lavage F, Dull T, et al. A double-blind trial of those really cool pink pills versus Thunderbird for the trots. J. Clin Idiocy.1995;55(9):391-393.

Scowley T, Granite B. Drug-induced molting: a critical review by the chosen few. Amish Annals. 1997:226(10):659-664.

Dear Doctor Endive*

We appreciate your comments on Pinkman's Ecstasy Tonic. Although we have no argument with the accuracy of your comments on Zyclopinkate (which is, indeed, a perfidious and obsolete remedy) we must reluctantly inform you that, perhaps due to a similarity in name, you have incorrectly and foolishly leapt to the conclusion that Zyclopinkate is an active ingredient of Pinkman's Ecstasy Tonic.

Had you more carefully read our 15 October 1998 press release, you would have noted that all of our pharmaceutical products are based completely on non-fulminating organic ingredients. Zyclopinkate, as you should know, is a pernicious fulminating inorganic rare earth!

Our extensive research and testing shows, conclusively, that the only possible (and extremely rare) deleterious effect from taking Pinkman's Ecstasy Tonic (in any quantity whatsoever) is a mild eruption of tugwarts on the upper abdomen and, as you also should know, these can be quickly and easily eliminated by lard alone (forget the Blastaril)!

By the way, we strongly recommend that K.S. undergo Gall Bladder rectification immediately.

Yours in Medical Astuteness,
H. Leeman Ordenvaarth III
Chairman, Senior Executive Spin team

* We presume, sir, that you are truly an accredited MD, otherwise, of course, your detailed critique might well be interpreted as an unwarranted assertion of pre-eminent medical sagacity, and might be prosecutable under the Felonious Misinformation Act of 1967. We are hopeful that this is not the case, as, otherwise, of course, our legal staff would be compelled by law to serve you with a writ of Mendaciobus Poultice which would likely result in your incarceration and pummeling. Our Chief Attorney-at-Law, Fabius T. Catorce, is personally checking into your background.

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